You screwed up!
Here we go, here we go!
Yeah! All right!
Whoo!
Got him.
Target is in sight.
Clock him close.
He's not going anywhere.
I'm hand-carrying this thing right into the museum.
Stan, you've got more cover on you than the president.
The diamond is safe.
This is an armed caravan, completely bulletproof, magnetic locks.
- This transfer is under control. - I'm hot.
FBI Travel Link climate control.
I don't understand your command.
I don't under...I don't...I don't... I don't under...I don't understand...
It's too damn complicated.
- That way. - That's some bullshit!
Are you kidding me, ref? That's the Lakers' ball.
My blind grandmother coulda seen that!
- Sit down, fat boy! - That's the Lakers' ball!
I'm callin' it!
What are you doing?
Green light go, red light stop, buddy.
No, no, no. No, sir.
Thank you, thank you. Okay, great.
Nice job. Bye-bye.
- Tip him. Get him outta here. - Yeah, yeah.
Jesus.
No, come on, that's enough.
Okay, thank you.
Go take a bath. There you go.
Let's roll.
That's what I'm talkin' about! Every time!
Charge? Charge!
Ref, listen! This is insane!
It's a foul on him.
Charge? I'll show you a charge!
I'll show you a damn charge, man!
That's the worst call I ever seen!
What do you think this is, a rodeo?
Then I'll be the clown!
- Let me in the game! - Sit down, please.
Get out of my way! Play some real ball!
Unleash the Beast!
Hey, put Malone in there!
Put in the Mailman, damn it!
Get Shaq in the game!
You gotta win this game! You gotta win this game!
Don't take me, I'm an American citizen!
American citizen, damn it!
You sons of bitches!
I'm the clown!
The Lakers need me! I'm their clown!
Shit! He's gone.
We've lost him.
What?
- Burdett is gone. - Find him.
He's coming after it.
We're fine. Just relax.
Don't tell me to relax.
I've dealt with this guy before.
See him yet?
We're looking, we're looking.
Safeties off until they relocate Burdett.
Oh, kiss me
Stand down. We got him.
He's still here.
On the Jumbotron.
He changed his seat.
Get a direct visual.
You got it.
See, Stan, we got you here.
No need to panic.
Do you have a direct visual yet?
Negative. We're still looking.
We're clear?
We're clear.
Come on out.
What?
That thing is going by itself! Damn!
Come on!
Jesus!
Transfer has been compromised.
Ah!
What's going on?!
Hey!
No!
Aah! Aah!
Thank the guys.
Good luck.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Your beard tickles.
Did he tip you?
- One lousy buck. - Cheap bastard.
I love it when you undress.
Let's do this.
Aah!
Roller coaster of love
Say what
Roller coaster
Turn that shit off!
Roller coaster
What about Mexico?
Can't take the water.
How about Paris?
Can't take the French.
Promise me paradise.
Can we talk about this after we gas Agent Lloyd?
Aah!
Sure.
Your love is like a roller coaster, baby, baby
I wanna ride
Yeah!
Move over there 'cause I'm a double dipper
Upside down on the big dip dipper
1,2, 1,2,3 I've got a ticket, come ride with me
Let me go down on the merry-go-round
All is fair on these fairgrounds
Let's go slow, let's go fast
Roller coaster of love, say what
Roller coaster, oh, yeah
A few... Aah!
Max!
Roller coaster Can you get back on
Max. Max.
Look at me.
Don't worry.
Get the diamond.
Stan.
Are you all right?
Your own pineapple wine, your dollar fifty all the time
Turn around and let me see you
Turn around and let me see
Your own pineapple wine, your dollar fifty all the time
Turn around and let me see you
Turn around and let me see
Your own pineapple wine, your dollar fifty all the time
I got a new dance, hot like pepper
From the old to the young, gonna make your body rock
It's really easy, easy peasy
You can do it anywhere, jump around like you don't care
Singin' turn around and let me see you
Turn around and let me see
Your own pineapple wine, your dollar fifty all the time
Turn around and let me see you, turn around and let me see
Your own pineapple wine, your dollar fifty all the time
A young man broke his leg
Old granny broke her back
And Jimmy got a migraine from a falling coconut
Dead uncle was confused, he has a solution
A bottle of the apple wine was his prescription
It cure the broke leg, it cure the bad back
It cure the migraine, even cure the heart attack
The people started jumping 'cause they were feelin' fine
This city's greatest sin was their own fine wine, tell me
Turn around and let me see you
Turn around and let me see
Your own pineapple wine, your dollar fifty all the time
Turn around and let me see you...
I wrote my vows.
- What? - I wrote my vows.
- You? - Work in progress.
Max, this is Ron and, uh...
- Hey, hey, hey. - Gail.
- Gail, yes. - Great to run into you again.
- I met them at the tennis club. - Oh.
What kind of business you in, Maxwell?
Pest control.
- This is Sheila and Ed. - Hey!
- Hi. - Hi.
They're from Orlando.
I met them parasailing.
So, uh, what kind of business are you in, Max?
I have a bunch of sweatshops in the Philippines.
- Oh. - Oh.
You should see those kids make those hats.
- Great, huh? - Wow.
- Scootch in. - Hi.
Max, this is Wendell and June.
We met snorkeling.
- Max, right? - Yes.
Yeah, Wendell.
- Oh, I love lobster. - Oh, yummy!
Wow, look at that!
Stocks may rise and fall, economies may collapse,
but the American farmer's always gonna need manure.
My family's been in manure for three generations.
No shit.
Holy cow!
Sheila and I like to swoc.
Swoc?
We like to have sex with other couples.
Check.
Ooh, honey, look at that!
Something wrong?
Six months. I can't take any more lobster.
There's only one thing I enjoy eating more than lobster.
Huh, huh, huh?
Man, do I love lobster!
So, I'm setting up for this 30-foot putt,
I got a chance for an eagle.
An eagle. Now, sweetie...
Steal her bracelet.
I saw you looking at it.
Steal it.
You know you want it.
We're retired, baby. All I want is you.
Come on, let yourself go. Have fun.
I bet you can't get it.
Of course I can, but I won't.
Bet you can't.
Max. Aren't you having a good time?
Please come again.
Maxwell, this one's on me.
Oh, thank you very much.
That's weird, I can't find my wallet. Did I give you my wallet?
No, you didn't give me your wallet.
That's so weird! I could swear I put it in my pocket before I came here.
It's okay, big fellow. I got it.
Oh, thanks, Maxwell.
That is so sweet.
Where the hell is my wallet?
Luc, what's in the Caribbean Romance again?
Light rum, amaretto,
orange juice, pineapple juice, and a splash of grenadine.
What about the Pink Paradise?
Coconut rum, amaretto, cranberry juice, orange juice, and pineapple juice.
People actually drink this stuff?
They love it. You know, it makes them feel exotic.
Give me a Jack on the rocks.
It doesn't have a fancy name, but if it was good enough for Frank,
it's good enough for me.
Frank?
Who's Frank?
Sinatra.
Did Frank take an umbrella?
Not even when it was raining.
Hi, baby.
How was it?
Amazing! You'd love it!
The only sounds are your breath and your heartbeat.
The reef is like a thousand jewels, sparkling right in front of you.
You should really try it next time.
Mm-hmm. Well, I like to breathe unassisted.
- Oh, really? - Mmm.
I thought you liked it when I give you mouth to mouth.
State your business.
You're gonna shoot an FBI agent, Burdett?
All I see is an intruder...
...who just swallowed $80 worth of my whiskey.
Put down the weapon.
Don't make me shoot you again.
Again?
Is that the way we're gonna play it?
What are you doing in my house, Agent Lloyd?
Sitting, drinking, eating chocolate.
- You have a warrant? - FBI doesn't have jurisdiction here.
I know, that's why I came down here.
Oh, I don't think it is.
The Seven Seas Navigator docking here for a solid week.
They're having a nice promotion for the maiden voyage,
calling it the Diamond Cruise.
A gem exhibit whose star attraction is
the third Napoleon Diamond.
Stop me when I get to the part you don't know.
It's the only one you two haven't stolen.
Allegedly.
And it's gonna be right here for a whole week... the last of the set...
and I suspect you plan to purloin it.
Well, I don't.
So finish your drink and get out.
It's okay to be happy to see me.
Just because you're English doesn't mean you need to hide your emotions.
I'm Irish. We let people know how we feel.
Now fuck off.
And you can take any bugs you planted along with you.
I'm retired.
A retired guy wouldn't have anything to worry about from those.
- Mind if I borrow this? - Take it.
You might learn something from it.
But return it for me. It's overdue.
Give my love to Lola, will you?
How was the tennis lesson?
Great. The teacher says I'm a natural.
He says I've got the best backside he's ever seen.
That's backhand.
Don't go in there.
- Why? - Let's talk.
Okay, you're making me nervous, and I don't get nervous.
Agent Lloyd just left.
What's he doing here?
He came to show me this.
Damn it, Max.
Is this what we're here for?
No. It's not.
This is not retirement at all.
This is the next setup, isn't it?
Babe, you chose this island, remember?
I hope you don't think this is a gift from God.
'Cause this is God messing with us.
Oh, no. Max.
Did Stan do this?
Sort of.
I figured he'd bug the place, so I started checking.
Did you find any?
Only what he wanted me to find.
There's another one here somewhere.
Now, don't worry. I already checked.
There's nothing in there.
That's the problem.
There's nothing in here.
What is it? What's wrong?
I hid the bullet in the camera.
What bullet?
The one he shot you with.
Oh, no.
I kept it to remind me of how close I came to losing you.
Lola, you know that bullet puts me on the scene.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I'll get it back.
Good morning, Mr. Lloyd. Your suite is ready.
- Suite? - Suite, sir.
It's a larger room.
Atlantis reserves this bridge suite for our more dignified guests.
Breakfast is on the house, these are vouchers for free tennis lessons,
complimentary skin exfoliant, seaweed body wrap and facial scrub,
located in the spa on the club level.
Also, please remember.
Shoes and shirt are required in all public spaces at all times.
State your business.
You can't bribe me with a seaweed body wrap, Max.
This doesn't buy you one bit of space.
I'm gonna be on you wherever you go.
It's no bribe, Stanley.
I just want you to see that if you lead the kind of life I do,
stealing is the last thing on your mind.
Mr. Lloyd.
Are you ready for your massage?
I'll do your back.
I'll do your front.
You son of a bitch.
- Lola? - Yeah.
- He hid it in a black jewelry box. - Good job.
Thank you.
Talented masseuse.
You get rid of it this time.
I will.
Good evening. May I take your order?
No, thank you. I just lost my appetite.
Just as well.
I don't take orders from criminals, I arrest them.
Or fall asleep trying.
So you're admitting you were there.
No. I read about it in the papers, just like everyone else.
You're famous.
I'm a punchline.
But like my grandma used to say, he who laughs last laughs loudest.
By the way, return that movie, would you?
The store called.
I haven't finished it yet.
They catch the thief, but it's not who you think it is.
I don't like those twist endings.
Well, we don't like you.
Aw.
Lola.
They're playing your song.
Why don't you take Stanley for a dance?
He's feeling lonely.
And I am feeling charitable.
Let's go, Stan.
Really?
I'll try to have her back by dawn.
Constable...
Can I help you?
I wanna talk to Mooré.
Get out of the way.
Monsieur Mooré is currently socializing.
Interrupting a man's leisure is harassment.
That's not harassment.
You feel that?
- Ooh. - That's harassment.
And you tell your boss this is just the beginning.
I have two hands, and I can't be bought.
Ooh.
Excuse me, constable. May I have a word with you?
Audrey, where you get that sugar?
Listen, Stan, I know what you're doing.
But if you drag Max into your game, he will not lose.
Eventually, they all lose.
Not my Max.
Do yourself a favor... leave us alone.
We're just a couple of retirees trying to enjoy the island life.
All the same, I'll stick around, see what develops.
Excuse me.
In a second, honey. You'll get your chance.
Damn, I got the stink on me tonight.
Step off the dance floor, sir.
Hey!
- Have fun, Stan. - Hey. Lola!
Police. Raise your hands, sir.
I'm law. Federal B.I.?
It is illegal on this island to carry a concealed weapon without a permit.
I'm working a suspect.
Are you not supposed to inform local authorities when you arrive,
Agent Stanley P. Lloyd?
- You know him? - He's my suspect.
Well, we're still gonna have to take this to the station and register it.
You're letting the criminal go.
This is crazy.
You think this is crazy?
Your dancing, that was crazy.
This way, Agent Lloyd.
Welcome to paradise.
Okay.
- The watermarks and holograms match. - Oh.
But I still have to register the gun.
You have a nice smile.
I haven't smiled at you.
You will.
That's just the way I feel about it, and they have to deal with it.
Yes, sir.
Ah, Sophie.
I need to speak to you.
I'm getting complaints about you bothering Henri Mooré.
Just doing my job, Zacharias.
The man is practically the unofficial mayor of the island.
In one year, he's made everyone here like him,
something you haven't been able to do in a lifetime.
I guess we can't all be the kiss-ass politician you are.
I want you to stay behind tonight so we can discuss your attitude.
You knew about my attitude the day we got married
and knew about it the day we got divorced.
You're not gonna learn any more about it tonight.
Besides, I have plans with Special Agent Lloyd of the FBI.
He's just arrived on the island.
Is that so?
Shall we?
We shall.
She's feisty.
Mmm. Isn't it beautiful?
Yeah.
Is it enough?
Of course it is.
Some people say the only way to rid yourself of temptation
is to yield to it.
I don't know about that.
I say turn your back on temptation...
...or substitute something more tempting.
See how easy that was?
What's the shortest amount of time you've ever known a guy
before you kissed him?
I see what you're thinking, and you can forget it.
Guys come down to this island looking for a slice of paradise with a local girl,
and they will say anything to get it.
I resent being lumped in with all guys,
though, admittedly, I would say anything right now.
How long have you been chasing Max?
Seven years... ever since the first Napoleon Diamond went missing.
I got to the scene, took a few shots at the getaway car.
Next day, bottle of champagne arrives at FBI Headquarters for me,
with a note says, ''Aim for the tires next time.''
He was baiting you.
- Hmm. - Is there a money trail?
Everything's plain... taxes, bank accounts.
He doesn't buy expensive paintings, yachts, nothing.
I think it's more about the challenge and the alibi... that's his work of art.
Sounds like you admire him.
Would I like to live one day in his velvety slippers?
Maybe.
But I don't admire him.
He's beat me too many times for that.
Maybe you need the female touch.
That's exactly what I need.
Listen, I want a big arrest, you need local help.
I'll extend the FBI courtesy on this one.
As long as I'm riding shotgun.
What's going on?
I'm expanding the deck.
You're trying to stay busy.
Look, on this deck, we are going to sit here
and watch sunsets until we get old.
Can't wait.
Where are you going?
You said I need a hobby.
I guess I'll go find one.
Really?
I'll call you later.
He's here.
The centerpiece of our exhibit.
Napoleon had three priceless diamonds set into the hilt of his sword.
After his defeat, they were pried out and dispersed around the globe.
This is one of the rare occasions the last remaining diamond is on public display.
And next, we have some rare Egyptian gems.
Cute little rock.
I'm just here to look.
Just as well.
With six cameras... four stationary, two revolving,
a dozen I.R. Motion sensors...
Sixteen. You missed the ones at ankle level.
Plus your standard 24-hour rotating guards.
Unbreakable polycarbonate display,
controlled by an uncopyable magnetic key card.
I just realized... you could never get it anyway.
You're right.
When you're right, you're right.
It's impossible.
Give me a ride.
I don't think so.
Maybe you should think again.
May I present Monsieur Henri Mooré.
Mr. Burdett.
It is a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Oh, you're an American.
Hmm. Henri Mooré?
Ah. My name is Henry Moore.
I placed the thing on the ''e''.
I felt it more appropriate to my surroundings.
- Oh. - Please.
I imagine you're wondering why you're here.
Well...
Forgive Jean-Paul's tactics, Mr. Burdett,
but to put it bluntly, the impoverished people of this island need your help.
Hmm.
Five years ago, I was a successful businessman in Detroit.
While vacationing on this island,
I was sitting on the beach drinking a...
Citron martini.
I don't recall what I was drinking... it's not important.
But I experienced a revelation...
that I had been brought to this island to provide the commensurate social services
that were sadly lacking for the poorer elements of society here.
And you want me to buy a table at your next fundraiser.
No, Mr. Burdett.
But I am offering you the opportunity
to participate in the vital growth of my infrastructure.
Uh-huh. How's that?
I want you to steal me that diamond.
I'm not a criminal.
Right. Neither am I.
Good. Then we understand each other.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Let me show you around, Mr. Burdett.
Do you think it fair that the indigenous of this island
are not allowed to enter the casinos unless they work there?
Why is it that only the rich should enjoy
pharmaceutically-assisted moments of personal introspection?
The safety and security found in owning your own machine gun.
The pleasures derived
from financially-procured female companionship.
The underprivileged should not be denied these essential diversions.
I mean, look around you, Mr. Burdett.
No one is turned away.
All I do, I do for the people.
And why do you need the diamond for that?
I have an urgent need to expand my humanitarian program.
A cash injection in the tens of millions of dollars
would relieve the entire Caribbean.
What I'm suggesting is a partnership, Mr. Burdett.
You are a stranger to this island.
I can give you what you don't have...
access to the marina, the crews, rotation schedules, whatever you need.
I couldn't sleep. Didn't wanna wake you.
I saw you on the ship yesterday.
I had a feeling you might be there, too.
Don't you ever feel we weren't quite finished?
Look, Max, I miss it, too.
We were great.
And we went out at the top of our game, undefeated.
The best time to quit.
Maybe.
Max, I cased it.
It's not a one man job, and there's no way you're pulling me into it.
We're retired.
Now the challenge is to find joy in simple things.
And I like that challenge.
Yeah?
I lied on the ship.
I could get it.
Here's how.
I'd cut the camera feed and go in from behind the exhibit.
It's blowable from the storage room, and I'd do it after 10 P.M.
Why?
The retired arthritic cops always get that shift.
So that's how you do it.
And now I've told you.
So now I can't.
Oh, my God.
- What are you doing? - I'm cooking.
- Since when? - This morning.
We are decent law-abiding people,
and decent law-abiding people cook omelets for breakfast.
Oh.
State your business.
You almost had me last night
with that old David Copperfield smoke and mirrors trick.
''Look at my assistant with the big tits while I take the Rolex right off your wrist.''
What do you want about her?
I wanna know how you're really gonna do it,
and you're gonna tell me while we're fishing.
Fishing?
I don't fish.
I got a boat stacked with beer.
Drink it yourself.
You might as well come. You're paying for it.
I charged it to my suite.
All the same, Stanley, I'll pass.
There is an option.
I get the local police to bring you down to the station, we sweat you there.
And I do mean sweat.
There's no air conditioning, so dress light.
The eggs on this island taste funny.
They must have some weird chickens.
What'll it be, Max?
I'll see you soon.
Tell me this isn't better than standing in some lineup.
I've never been in a lineup.
Ooh, that's a hell of a watch.
What's that kind of thing run you?
A couple of grand.
Why don't you pick one up on the Bureau's expense account?
Oh, they keep me on a real tight leash.
I got you to thank for that.
Ah.
Whoo! It's cookin' out here.
So if I didn't shoot you, where'd you get the screen door?
Knitting accident.
Dab some of this on my back, will you?
Are you serious?
Yeah. I've got delicate skin. I don't wanna burn.
I bet you were the best kid in the neighborhood at hide-and-seek, huh?
So you joined the Bureau.
Yeah, I found them all.
No one ever found me.
Once I found a good spot, I'd stay there for days.
There you go.
Now, turn around. I'll do you.
I'll handle it.
No, come on. You're gonna burn.
Good.
Okay.
There. That's good.
Wait. Don't you want me to coat everything?
That's good. My pole.
No way, man! I'm only doing your back!
My pole!
Hey, we got something. Come on.
Oh, oh, oh. Look at this!
Oh. We got something here, Stanley.
Ooh! Aah!
Shit! Come on!
Come on! Help me pull it up.
Don't lose it, don't lose it!
- It's a monster. - We can do it!
This is big. Okay, come on, pull!
- Are you pulling? - I'm pulling, man.
Jesus Christ!
Stanley! One, two, three!
Oh! Aah!
Jesus Christ!
It's a shark, it's a shark.
Yeah.
Why is it not moving?
- Maybe it's in shock. - What do you wanna do?
Maybe it's dead. I mean, it looks dead.
Go over and shake it.
- Why me? - Well, you're FBI.
What's that have to do with anything?
If it bites your arm off, you get disability for the rest of your life.
- Go! - You hooked it.
You go see if it's alive.
Yeah, I hooked it, so you go see if it's alive.
- Go! - Hey, hey!
Oh, okay. Here I go.
I'm just gonna sneak up on it.
Why are you whispering?
So it won't know the plan.
Hey.
- Aah! - Aah! Shit!
Watch out, watch out, watch out!
You have the right to remain silent!
Yeah, it's dead.
Yeah.
Look at them.
If you didn't know any better, you'd think they were friends.
You must be Lola.
Sophie?
Nice gun.
Sig Sauer P228.
Custom trigger action.
Oh.
- Nice shoes. - Thank you.
- Chanel? - Cruz collection.
How bad was it?
Oh, not too bad.
Sophie seems nice.
Yeah, for a cop.
Lola seems cool.
For a thief.
Yes!
I resign. You win.
Make a wish.
Okay.
I wish you'd write your vows.
I'm so tense.
Come here. Let me relax you.
What are you doing? Why are you taking off your clothes?
Now we're talkin'.
Are you being naughty?
Naughty enough to spank.
Oh, yeah!
I'll bite you. Can I bite you?
The door. Are we expecting anyone?
Yeah. A friend.
- A friend? - A friend?
A girlfriend.
You didn't.
I love you, baby.
You know I'll do anytthing for you.
Wait here.
What's she gonna do?
Tell him. Tell him.
She's gonna help me relax you.
You're kidding.
Nice.
You're gonna like this.
Lucky bastard.
- Who is she? - You'll see.
Max, I'd like you to meet Stan's mom.
Night, Stan.
Son of a...